Subject: Death (Page 26)

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian

If I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

(1803 – 1857) English writer

Maybe they only had one rocket.

British WWII soldier

Gonna be incrimated… they’re gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

The play is over, applaud!

(63 BC – 14 AD) first emperor of the Roman Empire

Surprise me.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Immortality – a fate worse than death.


Am I dying, or is this my birthday?

(1879 – 1964) British politician

Aw, no one's gonna shoot at me.

(1939 – 1963) American assassinator of President John F. Kennedy

Born in a hotel room, and Goddammit, died in one!

(1888 – 1953) American playwright

Oh God, here I go!

(1909–1959) American boxing champion

I am a pianist.


… and now for a final word from our sponsor…

(? – 2000) television writer (Days of Our Lives)

Death: A breath-taking experience.

It’s hard to be famous and alive.

(1948 – ) English novelist

I'm going away tonight.

(1933 – 2006) American singer, songwriter & musician

I understand life isn’t fair, but why couldn’t it just once be unfair in my favor?

American comedian

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Ah, well… we live and learn, or, anyway, we live.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic

I don't feel good.

(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist

Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist