Subject: Death (Page 27)

Tell the boys I'm coming home.

(1901 – 1934) American burglar & bank robber

Don't ask me how I am! I understand nothing more.

(1805 – 1875) Danish author & poet noted for his children's stories

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian

Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A bird in the hand is dead.

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I'm out of here, man. I'm gone. Keep me in your hearts.

(? – 2008) American convicted murder

I always read the last page of a book first so that if I die before I finish, I will know how it turned out.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

This is too tight.

(1823 – 1865) Swiss-born Confederate officer in the American Civil War

Well, if it must be so.

(1843 – 1907) Norwegian composer & pianist

Guns don't kill people; it's those bullets ripping through the body.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Die… I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I forgot something.

(1918 – 1967) American founder of the American Nazi Party

Enough already.

(1915 – 2004) American novelist

Live each day as if it were your last… because one day, you’ll be right.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor

Well, this is certainly a pleasant surprise.

American mobster

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

(1941 – ) American singer & songwriter

When I die, if the word ‘thong’ appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I’ve screwed up.

(1947 — ) American actor, writer, comedian & director

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist