Author: Johnny Carson

He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Insults

I told my wife that there was a chance that radiation might hurt my reproductive organs, but she said in her opinion it’s a small price to pay.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Appearance Body

The town was so small the Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Places

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time… most unsolved.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Conflict New York City Places

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host
Hollywood Places Success

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication Death Hair Time

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Cold New York City Places Science/Weather Situations

It is so hot… I saw a robin dipping his worm in iced tea.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Food/Drink People Things

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Beliefs Entertainment Insults Opinion People

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

She doesn’t need a steak knife… she cuts her food with her tongue.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication People Speech

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

If the World Series goes seven games, it will be NBC's longest running show this fall.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Entertainment Television

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death