Author: Johnny Carson Page 2

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Alcohol Baseball Food/Drink Sports

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Cold New York City Places Science/Weather Situations

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Problems

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Animals

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

(1925 – 2005) television host
Hollywood Places Success

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death Life

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Death

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Heat Science/Weather

The town was so small the Entering and Leaving signs were on the same pole.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Places

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Democracy Government Individuals President

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Communication

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health