Subject: Family » Children (Page 5)

Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer
Children Family

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Wives

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Characteristics Children Fear Health People

I am fond of children (except boys).

(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
Children Family

Kids… it’s like living with homeless people.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Children Family

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Children Games

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

(1974 – ) American comedian
Children Family

You might be a redneck if… you removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People Rednecks Things

Giving away baby clothes and nursery furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.

novelist & travel writer
Children Family Situations

I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
Children Communication Family Speech

What’s the point of having children if you can’t buy their love?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Children Emotions Family Love TV/Movie Quotes

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Children Family Old

My daughter's tricycle said “Some Assembly Required” … it came in a jar!

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Problems

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs Children Family Parents Religion

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Children Family Fathers

I’m a sensitive guy; I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Children Emotions