Subject: Family (Page 13)

If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier.

Family Proverbs

As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated… in the end, we let her live.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Family Mothers Situations

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.

Beliefs Children Family Intelligence Opinion

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Children Communication Family Honesty Lies Speech Truth

I’ll be spending the holidays with my family; nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Family

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Self

We've had bad luck with our kids… they've all grown up.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Age Children People

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Children Family

Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.

Definitions Family Parents

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Children Family Places

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

You might be a redneck if… you have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Education Mothers People Rednecks School

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Children Family

Distant Relative: One who can be very distant – especially when he has lots of money.

Definitions Family

I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Dating Family Relationships

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children Friends People Travel

A gypsy girl sent an email to an [advice columnist] “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Family

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

Age Children Family Travel