Subject: Miscellaneous

You’d call an alligator a lizard.

Miscellaneous

I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out.

Miscellaneous

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

Miscellaneous

When I was a baby I had no teeth, I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

Miscellaneous

Do you want your dinner now or when you get it.

Miscellaneous

Make Me Late For Work Today

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He's as happy as if he had good sense.

Miscellaneous

To me, clowns aren’t funny, they’re kind of scary; I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Miscellaneous

If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

Miscellaneous

She's so pretty she could make a hound dog smile.

Miscellaneous

Within a lash

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Uglier than a mud fence

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I said to my wife, ‘Guess what I heard in the pub? … They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one’ and she said, ‘I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23.’

typographer
Miscellaneous

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Miscellaneous

She looked like death eating a cracker.

Miscellaneous

Ain’t got both oars in the water

Miscellaneous

If [such and such happens] then it’s Katie bar the door.

Miscellaneous

Planted corn before the fence was built

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The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.

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It’s funny how two simple words, “I promise,” will stall people for a while.

Miscellaneous

To become a knife thrower in the circus, they probably don’t let you start off throwing at a live woman; they start you out with a little girl.

Miscellaneous