Subject: People (Page 27)

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? … that we may love you instead of laugh at you.

(1865-1940) English actress
Men People Women

Go away kid, you bother me.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children People

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? … we shall call him Englebert Humperdink… yes, that'll work.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
People

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Appearance Clothing Education People

Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Friends Success

Hey, I don’t get respect from anyone… why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People Self

There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.

British-Asian comedian
People Self Situations

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
People Women

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

Woman: A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her, and unreasonable that she might love man.

Definitions People

Men are like textbooks: you have to spend a lot of time between the covers to gain a small amount of satisfaction.

Books Education Men People Reading/Writing

I don't hire anybody not brighter than I am; if they're not brighter than I am, I don't need them.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach
Intelligence People

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Friends Insults People

I’m a man of no convictions… at least I think I am.

(1946 – ) British playwright, screen writer & film director
Characteristics People Self

You might be a redneck if… your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Intelligence People Rednecks Stupidity

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me; I’m like a white male U.S. senator.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Government People Self

Trust me, ladies, if you knew even for a second how we men really look at you, you would never stop slapping us.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Men People Sex Women

Needing someone is like needing a parachute; if they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
People

One of the indictments of civilizations is that happiness and intelligence are so rarely found in the same person.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Happiness Intelligence People

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

People

I really like a lot of the stuff they did; it's just, sometimes, their fans get on my nerves.

comedian
People