Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 61)
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Characteristics
People
Agreeable
Uninvited guests
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Chauncey Depew
(1834 – 1928) American attorney for Cornelius Vanderbilt
Characteristics
People
Women
Optimists
Pessimists
Nature abhors a virgin – a frozen asset.
Clare Booth Luce
(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician
Men
People
Sex
Women
Virgins
You may be a redneck if… your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics
People
Rednecks
Fireworks
Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Men
People
Women
Mourning
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
Lionel Barrymore
(1878 – 1954) American actor of stage, screen & radio
Hollywood
People
Places
One learns little more about a man from the feats of his literary memory than from the feats of his alimentary canal.
Frank Moore Colby
(1865 –1925) American encyclopedia editor & essayist
People
Neighbors: The strangers who live next door.
Rick Bayan
(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions
People
Neighbors
No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People
Situations
Personally, I’m waiting for caller IQ.
Sandra Bernhard
(1955 – ) American comedian, singer, actress & author
Intelligence
People
Things
Telephones
If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Marriage
Men
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
Russell Baker
(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Age
Health
People
I’m fairly certain that the only reason I was born crippled was because God knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to become a stripper.
Ally Bruener
American comedian
Health
People
Self
Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.
James Simpson
Age
People
Young
Adolescents
You might be a redneck if… the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos
People
Rednecks
Gas pedal
Woman’s influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Characteristics
Women
Influence
Men are easy to get but hard to keep.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men
Relationships
My cholesterol count has a comma.
John Pinette
(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian
Health
Self
Cholesterol
Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Age
Friends
People
Those who don’t study the past will repeat its errors; those who do study it will find OTHER ways to err.
Wolf's Law of History Lessons
Murphy’s Laws
Past
People
Problems
My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance
Self
On cosmetic surgery
Page 61 of 129
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