Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 61)
Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?
Annie McGrath
British actor, comedian & writer
Money
People
Wealth
Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
Thornton Wilder
(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright
Fools
Intelligence
People
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Tim Allen
(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Men
Mothers
People
Lawn care
Vehicle maintenance
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Chris Rock
(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
People
Places
Malls
A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Appearance
Body
People
Jocks
Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.
Lisa Lampanelli
Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Self
Sex
There's a difference between beauty and charm; a beautiful woman is one I notice, a charming woman is one who notices me.
John Erskine
(1879 – 1951) American educator, writer & musician
Characteristics
People
Women
Beauty
Charm
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton
Conflict
Intelligence
Killing
People
Stupidity
Surprise
A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain.
Kirby's Comment on Committee
Murphy’s Laws
People
Committees
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
People
Boyfriends
Rain
Are Women Human?
Catharine MacKinnon
Book Titles
People
Women
A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Death
Marriage
People
Rednecks
We have fifty-one golf courses in Palm Springs; he (Gerald Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf
People
Sports
Gerald Ford
When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.
Evans's Law of Political Perfidy
Age
Characteristics
Friends
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Influence
Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique.
Peter Ustinov
(1921 – 2004) English actor & author
People
Luciano Pavarotti
Vanity
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert Heinlein
(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Animals
Cats
People
Women
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics
People
Relationships
Embarrassment
Engagements
Fiancee
At all those banquets, stars get up and give credit to their coaches and parents; I give credit to no one; I made myself what I am today.
Bob Uecker
(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Baseball
Self
Sports
Success
Career
The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
Helen Rowland
(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Individuals
People
Commit
Follies
Opportunity
Regret
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
William Butler Yeats
(1865 – 1939) Irish poet & politician
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Insults
People
Drunk
You might be a redneck if… you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People
Rednecks
Anatomy
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A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain.