Subject: People (Page 61)

Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?

British actor, comedian & writer

Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

(1897 – 1975) American author & playwright

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.

Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian

There's a difference between beauty and charm; a beautiful woman is one I notice, a charming woman is one who notices me.

(1879 – 1951) American educator, writer & musician

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.


A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Are Women Human?

A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

We have fifty-one golf courses in Palm Springs; he (Gerald Ford) never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

When our friends get into power, they aren’t our friends any more.

Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique.

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

At all those banquets, stars get up and give credit to their coaches and parents; I give credit to no one; I made myself what I am today.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.

(1865 – 1939) Irish poet & politician

You might be a redneck if… you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality