Subject: People » Self (Page 19)

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

My boyfriend and I are both in our late 20s; he’s 29, I’m 34.

(1980 – ) Australian comedian

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya’ … and I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

You really wanna know what you look like to other people?… have a child draw you.

(1975 – ) American comedian & talk radio personality

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’m not only Iranian, I’m also Jewish, and I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, ‘Wow, he’s Iranian and Jewish; I don’t know if I should hate him or hate him.’

American standup-comedian

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Elvis may have been the king of rock 'n' roll, but I am the queen.

Richard Penniman (1932 – ) American singer & pianist

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’m the guy that made Joe DiMaggio famous.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & television ho

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Not with anybody else.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion

Considering the company I keep in this place, that is hardly surprising.

(1894 – 1978) Australian prime minister

In elementary school, I made an ashtray for Dad… it caught fire.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

If I like it, I say it's mine; if don’t I say it's a fake.

(1881 – 1973) Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker & stage designer

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor