Subject: People » Self (Page 17)

Growing up Jewish was a little different; some of the other kids in my neighborhood had diaries; I had a ledger… where I recorded how many diaries I sold to the other kids.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
People Self

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Parents Self Understanding

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

comedian
Doctors Health People Self

I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb… it took me only a few days to correct that impression.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball People Self Sports

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown; the difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Education School Self

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Self Sex

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Self Sex

Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase… ‘Constant super-vision.’

(1964 – ) English comedian
People Self

I went to the doctor and said, “Doc, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I throw up. What’s wrong?” The doctor said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Ugly

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

Why is it that nobody understands me and everybody likes me?

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Characteristics People Self Understanding

My doctor said, 'I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!'

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else’s.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor
People Self Things

I would rather be an opportunist and float than go to the bottom with my principles round my neck.

(1867 – 1947) British politician
Characteristics Self

It's not what you are but what you don't become that hurts.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
People Self

I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink Self

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
People Self

Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.

(1935 – ) British actress, singer & author
People Self

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you – not one of you – enter!

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
People Self

The hands on my biological clock are giving me the finger.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Age People Self Time