Subject: Situations (Page 47)

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Music Situations

I went to counseling, spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Money Situations

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Love Sex Situations

It hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

Children Family Mothers Situations

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women

The less I behave like Whistler’s Mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Situations

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

Never mistake motion for action.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist
Situations Work

Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Death Situations

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

Bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Government Situations

I knew a guy who had a waterbed on a houseboat, to cancel out the rocking.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Situations

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Somehow I never quite know what’s going on.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Life Situations

So drug dealers don’t find it funny when you ask for a receipt?

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

They think they can do the portrait in one setting.

Malaprops Situations

I used to carry condoms, but I know I’ve got a better chance of getting a stomach ache than getting laid.

American comedian
Health Sex Situations