Subject: Situations (Page 47)

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Money Situations

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly… very slowly.

(1911 – 1970) American burlesque entertainer, actress, author & playwright
Situations

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

Opportunist: A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath anyway.

Definitions Situations

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that's the way to bet.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Situations

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
People Situations Things

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician
Characteristics Fear Marriage Situations

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms; are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old Situations

More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.

(1872 – 1956) English essayist, parodist & caricaturist
Situations

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

I hope Iman took a good book on the honeymoon.

Sex Situations

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

1. In dealing with their “own” problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives 2. In dealing with “other” people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

Beliefs Government Murphy’s Laws Situations

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

Maybe my mind chewed off more than the mind should bite.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations