Subject: Sports (Page 77)

I was kind of hoping it would straighten it out.

Canadian hockey player
Hockey Sports

When we played, World Series checks meant something; now all they do is screw up your taxes.

American baseball pitcher & announcer
Baseball Money Sports

I guess I'll have to gain 60 pounds, start smoking a cigar and wear clothes that don't match.

American baseball player
Baseball Sports

I want to keep fighting because it is the only thing that keeps me out of the hamburger joints. If I don’t fight, I’ll eat this planet.

(1949 – ) American boxing champion
Boxing Eating Food/Drink Sports

Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Activities Golf Sports

You might be a redneck if… your high school basketball game got rained out.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Basketball People Rednecks Sports

Bert's wallet is like an onion. Any time he opens it, he starts crying.

Canadian hockey player
Hockey Sports

He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Golf Situations Sports

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Anglo-Irish golfer
Golf Sports

He's hit more balls than Elton John's chin.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator
Golf Sports

I figure practice puts your brains in your muscles.

(1912 – 2002) professional golfer
Golf Sports

I am the most loyal player money can buy.

professional baseball player
Misspokements Sports

I'm the best heavyweight in Canada and I'll still be the best when I'm dead seven years.

Canadian boxing champion
Boxing Canada Places Sports

A silver medal gets you as many free beers as a gold medal does.

Australian Olympic shooter
Sports

The place was so empty, they could have had archery practice.

American football coach
Football Sports

Yes, the guy can score you 40 goals… what I don't want is him causing 60.

Canadian hockey player & broadcaster
Hockey Sports

I grabbed it and squeezed it back into place. It gave a little crunch and popped right in.

Canadian hockey player
Hockey Sports

[He’s] the ultimate player-to-be-named-later.

(1927 – ) professional baseball player & coach
Baseball Misspokements Sports

We raced the other day and it wasn't a photo finish… it was an oil painting.

Canadian hockey player
Hockey Sports

A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition.

Games Murphy’s Laws Sports

He had better get married soon, because he's getting uglier every day!

Canadian hockey player
Appearance Hockey Sports Ugly