Subject: Things (Page 15)

Office machines that function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return at night to use them for personal business.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Definitions Things

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you may come and go at the same time.


Sex Things

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Problems Things

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Things

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Murphy’s Laws Things

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Autos Definitions Things Travel

Why are there an interstate highway in Hawaii?

(1946 – ) American comedian
Things

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Murphy’s Laws Things

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Things

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? … one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.


Things

Interchangeable devices won't.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

Murphy’s Laws Things

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.

Definitions Things