Subject: Things (Page 23)

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets; it seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Things

The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team; it seems as if they have their future ahead of them.

(1919 – 2006) American sports announcer
Future Misspokements Sports Things

When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

Crowded lifts (elevators) smell different to people with restricted growth.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Things

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Velcro: what a rip-off.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

The only people making money these days are the ones who sell computer paper.

Computers Money Murphy’s Laws Things

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks Things

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? … one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.


Things

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so, I got a cake.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.

Murphy’s Laws Things

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Arms Fear Men People Things

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Definitions Men Things Women

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Autos Things

Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.

Definitions Things

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? … Use the dollar as a bookmark.

(1958 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, writer & voice artist
Things

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things