Author: Anonymous Page 149

Old Age: When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things.

Age Definitions Old

He is so stupid… mind readers charge him half price.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

“I have those totals for you”, Tom added.

Tom Swifties

“I was absolutely vitrified,” said Tom with a glazed look.

Tom Swifties

“And to think I swallowed that lie, hook, line and sinker!” Tom gulped.

Tom Swifties

Like other occult techniques of divination, the statistical method has a private jargon deliberately contrived to obscure its methods from nonpractitioners.

Communication Language Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

Dog Pound: A used cur lot.

Definitions

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Miscellaneous

Taking over the reigns of leadership.

Malaprops

“I find you guilty,” said the judge with conviction.

Tom Swifties

Life’s all about ass – covering it, kicking it, kissing it or trying to get it.

Life

She’s so stupid… if you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'll get change back.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

Homosexual: A man’s man.

Definitions Men

If you would like to get your wife’s attention – just look comfortable!.

Marriage Wives

Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.

Malaprops

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.

Age Appearance Body People

She’s a tall drink of water.

Appearance Body Expressions

Right now, I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.

Sex Situations

Bigamist: A man who who has had one too many.

Definitions Marriage

To the max degree

Mixed metaphors

You have to dance to a different drum.

Mixed metaphors