Author: Anonymous Page 158

“Employees are not permitted to have sex on company furniture,” Tom shouted, banging on the table.

Tom Swifties

Don’t be discouraged if your children reject your advice; years later they will offer it to their offspring.

Beliefs Children Family Opinion

Slogan: A good old American substitute for the facts.

Definitions

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Characteristics God Life

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Intelligence Stupidity

We all act as one heartbeat.

Mixed metaphors

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Definitions Health

Conscience: A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it.

Definitions

Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid in cash, not by check..

Definitions

Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.

Democracy Elections/Voting Government

Executive Ability: The art of getting the credit for all the hard work that somebody else does.

Definitions Work

“I’m waiting to see the doctor,” said Tom patiently.

Tom Swifties

She is so slow… she has to speed up to stop.

Exaggerations Intelligence Stupidity

“Why shouldn’t I stir my coffee with a ballpoint pen?” Tom bickered.

Tom Swifties

Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.

Definitions People

Executive: A man who talks to visitors so the other employees can get their work done.

Definitions Occupations Work

I’d like to be sitting in his shoes.

Mixed metaphors

It's like pulling hen's teeth.

Mixed metaphors

The doctor felt the man's purse and thought it was awfully low.

Health Malaprops

“I’m not myself, today,” said Tom, being frank.

Tom Swifties

Home: A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him.

Definitions Places