Author: Anthony Jeselnik

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS; I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Health

I killed a squirrel once with a car… twice with a tennis racket.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet… Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up… but the bird was cool.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Girlfriends

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut; I don’t understand why she’s crying… I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car; it wasn’t serious – nobody saw me.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Accidents Problems

I’m getting pretty worried; my girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period… and she’s already 14.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Age Girlfriends People

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Divorce Marriage

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church; and every Sunday I lie and say: “Sorry. Wrong Number.”

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Family Fathers

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person – so I can get a better girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Age Old People

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day… which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident… devastating; I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People

People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not… you really have to explain it to them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Intelligence People

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Marriage

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we’re having sex… but I say, what’s wrong with while we’re having dinner?

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends Relationships Sex

Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant; you might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Characteristics Hollywood Places

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Conflict Girlfriends Killing People