Author: Calvin Trillin

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, Creep.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Communication

Fairs are good places to eat, particularly for stand-up eaters – which is one of the kinds of eaters I am, although when I eat standing up away from home I sometimes miss the familiar cool breeze coming from the open refrigerator.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink

As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Communication

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come 'Lincolnesque' just means tall?”

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
People

The food in such places is so tasteless because the members associate spices and garlic with just the sort of people they're trying to keep out.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink People

The price of purity is purists.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Characteristics People

I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Eating Food/Drink

I never did very well in math – I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn’t meant my answers literally.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Education School

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink

Many Texas barbecue fanatics have a strong belief in the beneficial properties of accumulated grease.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink

When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink

There is a theory that sooner or later anything in America that is any fun at all will be ruined by people from California.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Places

Health food makes me sick.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink Health

I never eat in a restaurant that’s over a hundred feet off the ground and won’t stand still.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink

If law school is so hard to get through… how come there are so many lawyers?

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Education Government Law Lawyers School

The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into magazines these days is this: under the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment, is smelling up the place a constitutionally protected form of expression?

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Government

Insider trading: Stealing too fast.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Conflict Crime Definitions

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Situations Things

Every good idea sooner or later degenerates into hard work.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Ideas Intelligence Work

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Marriage

I’m in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants; I’d let just about everybody in except the English.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
England Food/Drink Places