Author: Erma Bombeck Page 2

When someone asked me once if I ever thought of leaving Bill, I asked, “Where?”

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage

I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Elections/Voting Government Intelligence President Stupidity

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Appearance Travel

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sports

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me… it's gossip.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Communication Speech

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be; no one cares, why should you?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage People Self

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat… all you can do is move it around, like furniture.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
People Situations Things

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Food/Drink Relationships

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Food/Drink

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sex

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory… an empty gin bottle.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Appearance Children Clothing Family

Shopping is probably the most underrated contact sport in the world.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Shopping