Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: George Burns Page 3
On a golf course, Jack had the hands of a violinist; that was fair, because as a violinist, Jack had the hands of a golfer.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Golf
Music
Sports
Jack Benny
Violin
Jack was so cheap that instead of bringing his date flowers, he brought her seeds.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal
Money
Flowers
Jack Benny
Seeds
Calling Durante's nose large is like calling Jack Benny "thrifty."
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance
Language
Jack Benny
Jimmy Durante
Nose
Thrift
When he was held up by a robber who demanded, "Your money or your life?" Jack's silence while he thought it over was the funniest thing never said on radio.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Jack Benny
Radio
Silence
Retire? … I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age
Entertainment
Old
Work
Retirement
Show business
Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Music
Success
Things
Ability
Celebrity
Violin
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Relationships
Situations
Affection
I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Divorce
Government
Lawyers
Marriage
Taxes
George Jessel
I love to sing; I love to drink scotch… most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Singing
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos
Sex
Situations
Things
Over a fifteen-year period Jack raised almost $6,000,000 for the benefit of classical music; of course, a lot of people claimed that that was his way of paying for the damage he'd caused it.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
Music
Charity
Jack Benny
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke; and then she died.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment
My act
One joke
Wife Gracie Allen
He once gave Gracie a coupon for a year’s subscription to a magazine as a gift – and all she had to do was fill it out and send it in with a check.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal
Money
Jack Benny
I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities
Age
Old
Cigars
Smoking
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities
Age
Old
Sex
That’s where Jack and I were different, he would let his hair down, I just took mine off.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Appearance
Hair
People
Situations
Jack Benny
Of all the great qualities he had, and there were so many, there was one thing that set him apart from everybody else; he really thought I was funny.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics
Self
Humility
Jack Benny
The Jack Benny I knew threw his money around… not far – but he threw it.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal
Money
Jack Benny
Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Communication
Insults
People
Criticism
Critics
Uselessness
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