Author Jerry Seinfeld | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Jerry Seinfeld Page 2

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Animals Dogs

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Clothing Men People Women Underwear

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

TV/Movie Quotes As Jerry in “Seinfeld” Christmas

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Death TV/Movie Quotes As Jerry in “Seinfeld” Public Speaking

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

TV/Movie Quotes As Jerry in “Seinfeld” Brains Penis

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

TV/Movie Quotes As Jerry in “Seinfeld”

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

TV/Movie Quotes As Jerry in “Seinfeld” Condoms

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Communication Reading/Writing Sex Advice Men's magazines Naked

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Sports Luge

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

People TV/Movie Quotes As Jerry in “Seinfeld”

The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Intelligence Helmets

George: I should get to sleep with Elaine. That’s the only way to punish you.
Jerry: That doesn’t punish me. That punishes Elaine.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

TV/Movie Quotes

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Reading/Writing News Newspapers

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Appearance Clothing TV/Movie Quotes As Jerry in “Seinfeld”

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Emotions Embarrassing Ginsu Knife

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Miscellaneous Seedless watermelon

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Jerry Seinfeld

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Dating Sex Situations Job interviews

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

Categories

Additional Categories

Oops...

Some Popular Authors

Author: Jerry Seinfeld Page 2

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked.

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.

The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

George: I should get to sleep with Elaine. That’s the only way to punish you.
Jerry: That doesn’t punish me. That punishes Elaine.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, “I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.