Author: Jon Stewart Page 2

Religion – it’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Religion

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Children Family Fathers

Megachurches – I can’t be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Religion

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death Government Politicians

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Food/Drink New York City Places

I do have some sad news to report: Bjork could not be here; she was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Conflict

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Canada Places

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite,' and I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right; what's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs Government Politics Religion

You know, if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Money

The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death Government

I don’t want to die before my parents die, especially my mother, because I don’t want her to get the chance to pick out what I’m going to wear for eternity.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Death

Spain's new Prime Minister … announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq… meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government Places Politics Situations

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
America Communication Situations

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs New York City Places Religion

Oscar [of the Academy Awards] is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Elections/Voting Government

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Entertainment Television

Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you’re a corporation, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you’re a moocher?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government Taxes

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities Sex Situations

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
America People Situations

We just expressed our suffering differently as people; Blacks developed the blues… Jews complain… we just never thought of putting it to music.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
People