Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 7

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I had a paper route when I was a kid and I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Work

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes, and I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

I miss the $2 bill, ‘cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Self Sports

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink Things

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth; they didn’t have to make separations for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

What’s a sesame seed grow into? … I don’t know we never give them a chance… what the f**k is a sesame?! … it’s a street… it’s a way to open shit…

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Food/Drink

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Intelligence

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead… I think I did that joke backwards.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things