Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 7

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks; there you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Music

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable; all vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Food/Drink

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink Things

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Ugly

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go; on a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, “Where’d you get that banana?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People

Remember that show My Three Sons? … it’d be funny if it was called My One Dad.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Television

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick… that would be convenient.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts and he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it; I said, f**k that, I'll just make a copy.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

A fly was very close to being called a “land,” cause that's what they do half the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us… or they thought we were OK.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2; that's why 2 was created.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Entertainment People

I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Money Speech

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Death Food/Drink

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Food/Drink