Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 8

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

I think Foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth; they didn’t have to make separations for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f**ker gave me the smallest slice possible; if the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f**ker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

I had a paper route when I was a kid and I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Work

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Sports

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "F**k that… I'll just get a tan instead.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

I love my Fed-Ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it…and he's always on time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Time

Sometimes I get really lonely… especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one's the real hero?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

I can read minds but, it’s pointless cause I’m illiterate.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Intelligence Reading/Writing

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

You know they call corn-on-the-cob – corn-on-the-cob… but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, – corn-off-the-cob.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink