Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 9

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

They say Flintstonesvitamins are chewable; all vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink

I love my Fed-Ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it…and he's always on time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Time

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Things

I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Self Sports

Fish are always eating other fish; if fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks; there you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Music

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse… that would be chaos.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us… or they thought we were OK.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment

Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Travel

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Death Food/Drink

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

I type a 101 words a minute… but it's in my own language.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities