Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 9

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

Fish are always eating other fish; if fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Doctors Health

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us… or they thought we were OK.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes, but how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Football Sports

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People Self

Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Travel

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Money Speech

What’s a sesame seed grow into? … I don’t know we never give them a chance… what the f**k is a sesame?! … it’s a street… it’s a way to open shit…

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations