Author: Richard Jeni

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money Places

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered when they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Death Life

There is an obesity epidemic; one out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body

The way I see life, is like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg… why fight over the window seats?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Death Life

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75; walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money New York City Places

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
New York City Places

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Travel

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Conflict Killing Religion War

I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine… look into that second, less painful career.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations Work

You know what the average person is?… average.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Success

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gassing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites, whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites; these are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower. – America

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Problems Sleep

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck and since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Success

A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' on how Chicago got started

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places Situations

A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough… let’s go west.”

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places

Married or Single? … there is no good choice; it’s like when your doctor says, ‘Ointment?' or ‘Suppositories’?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage