Author: Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Reading/Writing Success

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Beliefs People

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Children Family

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Money Reading/Writing

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Age Health Old Young

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Conflict Killing Men People Women

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink Fools Intelligence

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Health

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Situations

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Conflict Speech

[Katherine Hepburn] is not a great actress, but one with a certain distinction which, with training, might possibly take the place of great acting in an emergency.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Acting Entertainment

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Things

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Intelligence

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Books Communication Health Reading/Writing

We tried it twice and it worked both times.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Sex

Friend: That drink is slow poison.

Benchley’s reply: So who’s in a hurry?

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Language Speech

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Science/Weather

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs Learning