Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 4

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway and he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I'm at the age where I want two girls; in case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

I can’t figure women out. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa – she used to scream out her own name!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, “What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Marriage Wives

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Dating Hair

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Sex

Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beer Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Places

My wife has cut me down to once a month; I'm lucky…
I know two guys she cut off completely.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Death Relationships

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I wanna tell you… I was ugly. I was so ugly, I went to the proctologist and he stuck his fingers in my mouth.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self