Author: Steven Wright Page 10

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

One night I came home very late; it was the next night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Music Situations

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

My neighbors don’t like it when I talk to my plants… I use a megaphone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs