Author: Steven Wright Page 9

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli; I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sex

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Husbands Marriage

Energizer Bunny arrested… charged with battery.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Body Characteristics Death Fat

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends People

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Music Things

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fools Intelligence Money

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

Ballerinas are always on their toes; why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year, and I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Old Young

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death