Author: Steven Wright Page 10

I spilled spot remover on my dog… he’s gone now.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Animals Dogs Problems

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Characteristics Emotions

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Government Lawyers Occupations Work

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Communication Language

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” … and then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fear People

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Places World

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Dogs

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations