Author: Steven Wright Page 12

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Money

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Friends Things

I was in a book store and saw a French looking girl, she was bi-illterate… she couldn’t read in two languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Men People Situations Women

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Government Lawyers Occupations Work

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Death People Self

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Sports

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Drugs God People

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

My school colors were clear; we used to say, “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Clothing

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things