Author: Steven Wright Page 14

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I broke a leg one time… spilled coffee all over.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Problems

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Why is the alphabet in that order?… is it because of that song?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Relationships Time

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Future Time

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

How can there be self-help groups?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay