Author: Steven Wright Page 3

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Canada Places Things

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in; now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Work

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

I spilled spot remover on my dog… he’s gone now.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Animals Dogs Problems

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things