Author: Fran Lebowitz

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The best fame is a writer’s fame: it’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Polite conversation is rarely either.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If people don’t want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My theory [is] that modern science was largely conceived of as an answer to the servant problem and that it is generally practiced by those who lack a flair for conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that is sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

To the French, lying is simply talking.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist