Author: Fran Lebowitz

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Games

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Life Sleep

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Food/Drink

The best fame is a writer’s fame: it’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Success

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Characteristics Success

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Definitions Health Places

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Characteristics

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Characteristics Children

If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Lawyers Life

If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Art Communication Entertainment Reading/Writing

I’m not the type who wants to go back to the land… I’m the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
People Self Situations

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Places

I am not… totally unreceptive to color providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Appearance

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals Food/Drink

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Communication Conversation Family Sex Speech

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Success

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Places

If people don’t want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Appearance Clothing

Polite conversation is rarely either.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Conversation Speech

The opposite of talking isn't listening; the opposite of talking is waiting.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Communication Conversation Speech

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Children Family