Author: Fran Lebowitz

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My theory [is] that modern science was largely conceived of as an answer to the servant problem and that it is generally practiced by those who lack a flair for conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children… they rarely have anything to add.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The word “lady” most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I’m not the type who wants to go back to the land… I’m the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The best fame is a writer’s fame: it’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract – teach him to deduct.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

There is no such thing as inner peace; there is only nervousness and death.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
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