Author: Fran Lebowitz

You’re only has good as your last haircut.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra; in real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract – teach him to deduct.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you want to get ahead in this world get a lawyer – not a book.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The word “lady” most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

There is no such thing as inner peace; there is only nervousness and death.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The opposite of talking isn't listening; the opposite of talking is waiting.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Bread that is sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

I am not… totally unreceptive to color providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

The best fame is a writer’s fame: it’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
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