Author: Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Clothing Football Sports

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Dogs

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Miscellaneous

Tennis is like marrying for money; ‘love’ means nothing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Love Marriage Sports

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix’ that's why he's never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage Work

By the time my friend was eighteen she had sown enough wild oats to make a grain deal with Russia.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
People Sex

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Conflict Fights Marriage Sleep

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People Self

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children Family Speech Young

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Love

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Work

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Old

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Health Old Science/Weather

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Time Work

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Parents