Author: Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

By the time my friend was eighteen she had sown enough wild oats to make a grain deal with Russia.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Did you ever look in a mirror and wonder how your pantyhose got so wrinkled… and then remember you weren’t wearing any?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors – eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My photographs don't do me justice… they just look like me.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Burt Reynolds once asked me out… I was in his room.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
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