Author: Phyllis Diller

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it’s much more difficult to get out of the carpet.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

My photographs don't do me justice… they just look like me.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
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