Subject: Activities (Page 26)

My grandfather was killed at Custer’s last stand… he was camping in the next field and went over to complain about the noise.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Activities

The score never interested me, only the game.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities Games

A kind heart is of little value in chess.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Autos Driving Things

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

Housework Husbands Murphy’s Laws Wives

Whenever two fishing lines are contiguous, they will become continuous.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

Do I lift weights? … Sure, every time I stand up.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Activities Appearance Body

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities People Sex

There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I smoke like a 5-alarm fire.

(1884 – 1933) American saloon keeper, actress & entrepreneur
Activities

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework Situations Things Work

Few men know how to kiss well. Fortunately, I've always had time to teach them.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities Sex

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Shopping

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Situations Sleep Speech

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Situations

I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.

comedian
Activities Sports

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Family Money Mothers Travel Work

Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author
Drugs Self Situations