Subject: Activities (Page 26)

It was an arranged marriage, put together by drugs and alcohol.

American comedian & television host
Alcohol Drugs Marriage

Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home.

Activities Definitions

1. You can get “anywhere” in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

Hoeing: A manual method of severing roots from stems of newly planted flowers and vegetables.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Activities

The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer
Activities Alcohol Beer Drugs Sleep

If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor
Activities Travel

I married a German; every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
Activities Conflict Places Sex

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations Sleep

Grocery list: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Activities Definitions Shopping

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer
Activities Golf Sports

I didn’t intend for this to take on a political tone; I’m just here for the drugs.

(1921 – ) former First Lady of the United States & actress
Drugs Misspokements

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Time

At 19 miles, when most runners run out of steam and you hit what they call ‘the wall,’ is the exact moment you cross into the South Bronx; so here, they combine running and fleeing.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Exercise Places Sports

Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.

Activities Definitions

Customs is punishment for those who travel.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities Travel

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

I think Foosball© is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Remember, anyone can juggle for a second.


Activities

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Games Money