Subject: Activities (Page 40)

Someone stole my antidepressants; whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.


Activities Drugs

We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Activities Age Old

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: if we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it “jumping up and down.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Exercise

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things

People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant; I came down with hepatitis… the trainer injected me with it.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Activities Baseball Health Sports

Bridge is the only game that bruises more shins than hockey.

Activities Games

I was in my car driving back from work, when a police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window; I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'

(1976 – ) English comedian
Activities Driving Situations

Don't cook… don’t clean; no man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Housework Sex

Men – because of a tragic flaw – cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Housework Men People

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

You might be a redneck if… you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing People Rednecks Shopping

Let me ask you… would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called 'crackle'?

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Activities Communication Drugs Language

You don’t get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

(1949 – ) American actress
Activities Housework

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Life Situations Sleep

When Neil Armstong first set foot on the moon, he and all the space scientists were puzzled by an unidentifiable white object; I knew immediately what it was… that was a home run ball hit off me in 1933 by Jimmie Foxx.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Activities Baseball Sports

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games People

The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Activities Colemanballs Misspokements Sports

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Frugal Money Sports

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports