Subject: Beliefs » God

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.

(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter
Beliefs God People Self

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Characteristics God Life

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle… unless you die of something.

(1935 – ) American cartoonist
Beliefs Death God Life Problems

It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.


God

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast… if God wants to play through, let him.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
God Golf Sports

War is God's way of teaching us geography.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Conflict God War

Do I believe in God? … Let’s say we have a working relationship.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Beliefs God

Why should I talk to you?… I've just been talking to your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Communication Death God

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case; God has written all the books.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Beliefs Books God

May God defend me from my friends; I can defend myself from my enemies.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Friends God Old People

Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant – they’re quite clear –- that we would create law based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Beliefs God Government Misspokements Stupidity

I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Beliefs God TV/Movie Quotes

If you want to know what God thinks of money, you only have to look at those to whom he gives it.

(1874 – 1945) English writer, translator & war correspondent
Beliefs God Money

Don’t they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian
God Sports

GOD Talks 2 U? There Is Medication For That.

Beliefs God

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Places

I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God… contact lenses.

(1971 – ) British comedian
Beliefs God

A skeptic is a person who would ask God for his ID card.


Characteristics God

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Drugs God People

God is silent; now if only man would shut up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God People