Subject: Communication » Language (Page 14)

Good things don’t end in ‘eum,’ they end in ‘mania’…or ‘teria’.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

comedian, commentator, radio host, reporter & writer

It was while making newspaper deliveries, trying to miss the bushes and hit the porch, that I first learned the importance of accuracy in journalism.

(1933 – ) American telejournalist

What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English?… it means liar.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

She went into the hospital after being bitten by a spider in a bathing suit.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

Don't use no double negatives.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant… to be honest, that was her opinion.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

If something is 1.0, you don't need to say, 'point oh.'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

All phone calls are obscene.

American author

Loquacity: A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

‘Pessimist’ is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.

(1948 – ) English novelist

Why is the alphabet in that order?… is it because of that song?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet

I read the greens in Spanish, but putt in English.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer

His tongue was an unguided missile.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

Epigram: A wisecrack that played Carnegie Hall.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist