Subject: Death (Page 12)

… and now for a final word from our sponsor…

(? – 2000) television writer (Days of Our Lives)

I have been a most unconscionable time dying, but I beg you to excuse it.

(1630 – 1685) monarch of England, Scotland & Ireland

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle… unless you die of something.

(1935 – ) American cartoonist

Take away those pillows. I shall need them no more.

(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer

My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad; not as in, ‘with a stick’… he just died first.

(1978 – ) British comedian

Oh that press will have me now!

(1809 – 1892) Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom

This is funny.

(1851 – 1887) American gambler, gunfighter & dentist of the American old west

If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

If you want your name spelled wrong, die.

Mozart! Mozart!

(1860 – 1911) Austrian composer

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

(1925 – 2005) television host

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian

This is the first time authorities helped me escape prison.

(c.1914 – 1947) American convicted murderer

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!

(1818 – 1883) German philosopher, economist, sociologist & socialist

But how the devil do you think this could harm me?

(1713 – 1784) French philosopher, art critic & writer

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.

(1899 – 1957) film actor

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

I don't feel good.

(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Marriage can be viewed as the waiting room for death.

(1963 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, screenwriter & film producer