Subject: Death (Page 19)

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Death Marriage Wives

Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose.

(1755 – 1793) Archduchess of Austria & the Queen of France
Last words

As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated… in the end, we let her live.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Death People Self

This is the happiest moment of my life.

(1859 – 1887) German anarchist
Last words

There is no such thing as inner peace; there is only nervousness and death.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Death

This is the first time authorities helped me escape prison.

(c.1914 – 1947) American convicted murderer
Last words

There are some similarities, of course [between Iraq and Vietnam] – death is terrible.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Death Misspokements

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Death

Aw, no one's gonna shoot at me.

(1939 – 1963) American assassinator of President John F. Kennedy
Last words

Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
Last words

I ain’t afraid to die fat… that’s my pallbearers’ worry.


Appearance Death Fat

One last drink, please.

(1846 – 1911) American distiller
Last words

That is indeed very good. I shall have to repeat that on the Golden Floor!

(1859 – 1936) English classical scholar & poet
Last words

Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Death Definitions

Suppose, suppose.

(1848 – 1929) American frontier law enforcement officer
Last words

They say you shouldn’t say nothin’ about the dead unless it’s good; he’s dead… good!

(1894 – 1975) American comedian
Communication Death Speech

I’m afraid I’m being an awful nuisance.

(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet
Death Last words

I am going.

(1899 – 1982) King of Swaziland
Last words

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Books Communication Death Reading/Writing

My doctor gave me two weeks to live… I hope they're in August.

comedian
Death Doctors Health