Subject: Death (Page 17)

I could shoot better!

(1920 – 1945) Dutch communist resistance fighter during World War II
Last words

One dies only once, and it’s for such a long time!

(1622 – 1673) French playwright & actor
Death

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

(1941 – ) American singer & songwriter
Death Education School

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Death Definitions

A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Death Marriage People Rednecks

You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.

(1953 – 1992) American career criminal & convicted murderer
Last words

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Alcohol Conflict Death Food/Drink Killing

So far, I haven’t heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the cost.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Death Life Money

Be careful about reading health books for you may die of a misprint.

(1747 – 1803) German Jewish physician & lecturer on philosophy
Books Communication Death Health Reading/Writing

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Death People

There comes a time in every man’s life… and I’ve had many of them.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Communication Death Misspokements Speech Time

My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. Either they go or I do.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Last words

I wish I was skiing.
Nurse: Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?
No, but I'd rather be skiing than doing what I'm doing.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)
Last words

Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose.

(1755 – 1793) Archduchess of Austria & the Queen of France
Last words

My design is to make what haste I can to be gone.

(1599 – 1658) English military & political leader
Last words

Show my head to the people.  It is worth seeing.

(1759 – 1794) influential figure in the French Revolution
Last words

Many of these guys on death row have done heinous things, but when we as a people sink to their level and execute them, then we’re no better than Republicans.

American comedian & writer
Death Government Politicians

No thank you.

(1959 – 2005) American serial killer
Last words

Pope John Paul didn't die… he pre-boarded.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Death

I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record.

(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer
Last words

Death and taxes are inevitable.

(1796-1865) Canadian politician, judge & author
Death