Subject: Death (Page 19)

Alcohol killed my first wife… I got home drunk one night and shot her.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Alcohol Conflict Death Food/Drink Killing

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death People Self Sex

It's all been rather lovely.

(1912 – 1983) English actor
Last words

The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.

Death Doctors Health

Immortality – a fate worse than death.


Death Life

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Death Life Men People Time

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Death

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Death

Life: A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death.

Death Definitions Life

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Family Fathers Misspokements Situations Travel

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Death

My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Death Health

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered when they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Death Life

I asked my doctor how many more years I have left and he said, 'You're too ornery to die.'

(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder
Baseball Death Sports

I'm tired. I'm going back to bed.

(1914 – 1959) American actor best known for his role as Superman
Last words

I'm out of here, man. I'm gone. Keep me in your hearts.

(? – 2008) American convicted murder
Last words

Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room.

(1934 – 1999) American actor, improviser, writer & teacher
Last words

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of someone who had searched for the leak in life’s gas pipe with a lighted candle.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Characteristics Death

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Death

You sons of bitches, give my love to Mother!

(1912 - 1932) American convicted murderer & career criminal
Last words

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been discontinued.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Death Epitaphs