Subject: Death (Page 22)

Don't worry, they usually don't swim backwards.

(1962 – 2006) Australian television personality, wildlife expert & conservationist

This is it! I'm going. I'm going.

(1886 – 1950) American singer, comedian & actor

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers – they’re going to make a game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be living.

comedian

Bless you, Sister.  May all your sons be bishops.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright

Traffic Dead Rise Slowly

There are some similarities, of course [between Iraq and Vietnam] – death is terrible.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

I am a pianist.


A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

I have been a most unconscionable time dying, but I beg you to excuse it.

(1630 – 1685) monarch of England, Scotland & Ireland

The nourishment is palatable.

(1800 – 1874) 13th U.S. President

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I'm glad he died before me, because I didn't want him to sing at my funeral.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright

If you live long enough, something will kill you.

Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose.

(1755 – 1793) Archduchess of Austria & the Queen of France

… and now for a final word from our sponsor…

(? – 2000) television writer (Days of Our Lives)

It proves what Harry always said: give the public what they want and they'll come out for it.

(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host

Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'!

(c.1936 – 1966) American convicted murderer

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I'm going away tonight.

(1933 – 2006) American singer, songwriter & musician

I thought it was in terribly bad taste for him to die when he did.

(1942 – ) English comic, actor (Monty Python's Flying Circus)