Subject: Definitions (Page 53)

Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.

Insanity: Knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it.

Antique: Something too old to be anything but too expensive.

Dictator: A self-madman.

Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Apartment: A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent.

Acrimony: The holy state of being married.

Woman: A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her, and unreasonable that she might love man.

Skeptic: One who won’t take know for an answer.

Accountability: The mother of caution.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Old age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer

Acme: Spots on the top of your head.

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Prejudice: A great time-saver that enables one to form opinions without bothering to get the facts.

Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.

Bathing Suit: A garment cut to see level.

Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Plumber: A drain surgeon.

Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.

Diaper: A bum wrap.