Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Entertainment
(Page 34)
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks; there you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment
Music
Drum sticks
Drummers
Magic wands
They want to play the blues so badly… and that's how they play it – badly!
Sonny Boy Williamson
American bluesman
Entertainment
Insults
Music
Bues
When having my portrait painted I don’t want justice, I want mercy.
Billy Hughes
(1862 – 1952) Australian Prime Minister & politician
Art
Entertainment
Self
Portraits
Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.
Noel Coward
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Entertainment
Intelligence
Wit
I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
Charles Baudelaire
(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic
Animals
Cats
Insults
Music
On composer Richard Wagner
When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals
Cats
Entertainment
Music
Jack Benny
All my shows are great; some of them are bad, but they are all great.
Lew Grade
(1906 – 1998) Russian-born English film producer & media mogul
Entertainment
Film
Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what
else
is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment
Men
People
Television
The prize on that show: another contestant.
Norm MacDonald
(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian
Entertainment
Television
Contestants
Prizes
The Dating Game
The chief objection of playing wind instruments is that it prolongs the life of the player.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Entertainment
Music
Wind instruments
You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.
Greg Proops
(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment
Music
People
Riverdance
Entertainment is a thing of the past, today we’ve got television.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Entertainment
Misspokements
Television
The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments – the very lower bowel of music.
Peter De Vries
(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Entertainment
Music
Tubas
Shakespeare is so tiring; you never get a chance to sit down unless you’re a king.
George S. Kaufman
(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
Acting
Entertainment
Shakespeare
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
America
Places
Television
Bed
Shop
Stores
Ladies, just a little more virginity, if you don't mind.
Herbert Beerbohm Tree
(1852 – 1917) English actor & theater manager
Acting
Entertainment
To a group of actresses assembled to play ladies-in-waiting
English Channel: The BBC.
Anonymous
Definitions
Entertainment
Television
English Channel
You might be a redneck if… your down where you come from reruns of Hee Haw are called documentaries.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Entertainment
Intelligence
People
Rednecks
Television
Hee Haw
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs
Music
Religion
Choir
Singing
Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Arms
Entertainment
Music
Savage Beast
Acting: Standing up naked and turning around very slowly.
Rosalind Russell
(1907 – 1976) American actress
Acting
Entertainment
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