Subject: Family

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Definitions Family

Cycling's a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets.

Children Sports

An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.

(1819 – 1901) English monarch of the United Kingdom
Children Family

Whatever is on the floor will wind up in your baby’s mouth; whatever is in your baby’s mouth will wind up on the floor.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Family Mothers

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

Children

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Emotions Family Happiness Relationships

Kids… it’s like living with homeless people.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Children Family

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Family

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Fathers Fools Intelligence Mothers People Self

It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family Insults Places Relationships

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale.

Definitions Family

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Age Children Old People

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

(1899 – 1961) author & journalist
Children Family Fathers

I Heart My Little A-Holes

Book Titles Children

A gypsy girl sent an email to an [advice columnist] “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Family

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Money People

Socialite: Whatever possessed you to be born in a place like Lowell, Massachusetts?

Whistler: I wished to be near my mother.

(1834 – 1903) American-born, British-based artist
Family Mothers Places

Trying to get a little kid dressed is like gift-wrapping an octopus.

American writer
Appearance Children Clothing Family

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Family Fathers Sports

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers