Subject: Family » Children (Page 3)

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Children Family

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

You might be a redneck if… you ever named a child after a dog.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Children Dogs Family People Rednecks

Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Children Family

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears; what the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark… for hours… and don't move… I'm locking the door now.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

American comedian & writer
Children People

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

(1904 – 1973) English novelist & biographer
Children Family

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals Children Dogs Family

My son is 21… he’ll be 22 if I let him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age Children Family

When traveling with children… at least one child of any number of children will request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.

Activities Children Family Murphy’s Laws Travel

The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

When your first baby drops its doll, you sterilize it; when your second baby drops its doll, you tell the dog to “Fetch.”

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People

Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.

(1905 –1998) American author
Children Family Sex

Youth is stranger than fiction.

writer
Children Family Wordplay

A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Food/Drink

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Wives

Children should be heard, not obscene.

Children Murphy’s Laws

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance Children Family Parents

I am fond of children (except boys).

(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
Children Family